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How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
What’s the deal with peeing after sex when you have a vagina? I have a vagina and have only dated people with vaginas, and it seems no one can give me a straight answer! Growing up, I remember being advised to pee after sex in sex ed, and friends I’ve asked seem to think it is a good idea as well to prevent UTIs. But internet searches turn up mixed results, and I don’t know what to think anymore. Online, I’ve seen everything from articles saying it doesn’t make any difference at all, to advice to pee after all sex acts including masturbation. There is very little consensus, and it’s difficult to discern what information has actual medical research behind it and what doesn’t.
I have had lovers who pee after sex religiously, ones who do so only sometimes, and ones who never do. My current partner doesn’t pee after sex unless they have the urge to, while I pretty much always do (but it’s more motivated by wanting to sop up all the wetness than by UTI prevention). Neither of us has ever gotten a UTI (knock on wood). I only know two people who have told me they’ve had UTIs: a close friend who was pretty sure it was due to her partner not washing his hands, and my older sister who gets them somewhat frequently, but only from penis-in-vagina sex. (In fact, my older sister has told me I’m lucky I’m a lesbian because I don’t have the kind of sex that leads to them, but I can’t figure out how getting penetrated with a strap-on would be any different from a penis in this circumstance).
All of this leaves me with the following questions: How important is it really to pee after sex? How big is the risk of UTIs if you don’t? Are UTIs the only risk, or is there something else we should be worried about too? How soon after sex should you pee? What if sex lasts for a long time, like multiple hours? In that case, do you have to take breaks to pee, and if so, how often? Does the amount of pee matter? Is my sister right that PIV sex is more risky? Should I encourage partners to pee after we have sex? I realize this is a lot of questions, but I am both anxious and curious. Help!
—To Pee or Not to Pee
Dear To Pee or Not to Pee,
There’s no single answer to each of these questions because everyone’s body is different. To make the situation even more complex, our bodies and physical care needs change as we age. And, even if your sex ed was only a few years ago, science gains more insight and nuance as time goes on—although sexual health and the whole uterus-ovary-vulva situation is still woefully understudied. But I reached out to Stacy De-Lin, MD, the Associate Medical Director of Planned Parenthood Hudson Peconic, for some insight into UTIs and your questions. Here’s some of what De-Lin wrote back:
In one large case-control study, the frequency of sexual intercourse was the strongest risk factor for urinary tract infections for patients with vaginas. However, other risk factors identified were things like use of spermicides during sex, having a new sex partner during the past year, having a first UTI at or before 15 years of age, or having a mother with a history of UTIs. This genetic link is actually quite important! Multiple other studies suggest that women with recurrent UTIs have increased susceptibility to vaginal colonization with UTI-causing bacteria compared with people with vaginas without a history of recurrence, due to a greater propensity for bacteria to adhere to the urethral cells of such people with vaginas. Translation: Some people just are born with certain cells in their urethra that make UTIs more likely.
You, your current partner, and your friends who have never had a UTI probably lucked out—you may not have those cells that make UTIs more likely. And since you’re not getting them, Dr. De-Lin noted that in your case, there’s probably no need to race to the toilet after sex, but as you said, you like to dry off anyway. Meanwhile, for women like your sister, yes, urinating after sex may indeed help. De-Lin mentioned that if your sister’s infections are frequent she may want to speak to her doctor about postcoital prophylaxis, which is a preventative care measure in the form of a single dose of antibiotic after sex.
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Dear How to Do It,
I am a 30-something woman, and I’m feeling pretty pressured, and not in a good way. There is so much talk about oral sex being the pinnacle of any woman’s sex life, and I just am not very impressed by it. I have a male partner of over a decade and he doesn’t seem to love performing it either because I mostly switch to a trusty vibe to finish. We do other stuff and that has suited us fine for this long! Friction is just meh for me and I much prefer vibration. It’s always been this way but I feel like there is something wrong with me and my relationship because I just can’t get much into him going down under. Is there anything wrong with ignoring the hype and just going our own way?
—Under Pressure
Dear Under Pressure,
Nope. There is nothing wrong with taking the aspects of sexuality that work with you and leaving the rest behind. You and your partner are both happy without oral sex. Enjoy your “other stuff.”
Dear How to Do It,
My partner (I’m pan, they’re not) has suggested on multiple occasions that I pick some porn or erotica for us to enjoy together to encourage our sex life. On paper, I’m interested, and I’ve tried sites like CrashPad and other things specifically aimed at queer women, as well as the massive compilation of erotica that is on the internet. I just, prefer real-life women? If I fantasize, it’s about my partner or some other real-life scenario. I can’t really get into it if I can’t emotionally connect. But I don’t have the same problem with heterosexual content, which I do enjoy solo. I know this wouldn’t be hot to them at all, and sometimes my sexuality makes them insecure. I’m embarrassed, and also at 30, too old to feel so weird about this. What do I do?
—I Want to But…
Dear I Want to But,
Since your pansexuality causes your partner some insecurity, and I’m getting the sense that the insecurity is around pairings that involve one person with a penis and another with a vulva, I would recommend steering clear of bringing the heterosexual porn that you enjoy in your solo time into the sex you share with your partner. I’m also wondering whether your partner’s insecurities have anything to do with the fact that your sex life feels like something that needs to be “encouraged.” And I’m almost certain that your weird feelings and embarrassment have to do with your partner’s insecurity.
Pansexual and bisexual people are often subject to doubts about their ability to engage in fidelity. There are the usual questions like, ”Don’t you miss [other gender]?” and “How can I fulfill you when I only have one set of parts?” as well as the stereotypes that bi and pan people are inherently bad at choosing. To suggest that people who are only into women want to have sex with all women, and can’t commit to one woman with all those other options out there, would be seen as ridiculous, but these beliefs persist. So if you’re getting any of that kind of input from your partner, consider whether the weirdness you’re feeling is a symptom of something deeper.
As far as your actual question, I’m wondering whether getting to know the performers in the queer porn you might watch, in a parasocial kind of way, could help you fantasize about them more easily. Most of the people who work in porn, queer or not, have social media accounts, blogs, and interviews available which show some of their personality. It might be enough to help you feel like you know them to a degree that makes them fantasy material.
—Jessica Stoya
More Advice From Slate
My girlfriend and I have been dating for about two months. She is not on birth control and doesn’t have an IUD. I went out and bought a bunch of condoms, and I used a condom for our first time. However, after this, she asked me to go without and finish on her rather than inside her. Despite this being a very bad idea, I did it (and avoided having an oopsie inside her) three more times.
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