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Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I am struggling when it comes to raising my 6-year-old stepdaughter (and consequently my young biological daughter) with our “village.” She splits time between us (me and her dad), her mom, her paternal aunt, and her paternal grandparents. I truly believe it takes a village to raise a child and in many ways, I am grateful for the love, support, time, and energy everyone provides. However, there is inconsistency and lack of cohesion between her different homes when it comes to rules and expectations. While it can sometimes feel like I’m doing her a disservice, I let things that happen at her other homes go: diet, screentime, internet activity, and exposure to adult language/dance. But the one thing I won’t compromise on is car safety.
When she is with the others, she is consistently put in the front seat of the car. They know this is both illegal and unsafe (they have mentioned getting pulled over for having her in the front), but culturally, they seem to accept it as something they’ve always done and that is therefore OK. I have gently talked to them about it, more than once, and then they’ll stop for a while, but soon they’re back to their old habit. In general, I am a fairly laid-back person, but when I approach things like this with them in which I do have firm boundaries, it feels like they think I am overreacting or being overprotective. I don’t know how best to approach this. Do I focus only on my locus of control? She knows that in my car, we will not go anywhere until she is safely buckled into her booster seat in the back seat, and with this clear expectation, she rarely pushes back. Do I insist on this more firmly when she’s with the rest of her family? If so, how? We are the primary parents in terms of time and responsibility, but as someone late to the game (I’ve been involved for the last two and a half years) with no legal standing in terms of custody, I don’t feel in the position to dictate what the others do and certainly I cannot keep her from them. My partner feels they are doing us a favor by offering free childcare, and he does not believe we have the right to control what they do. I understand his perspective, but it is our job to keep her safe!
To complicate matters, while I feel more comfortable drawing firm boundaries and expectations with them for my young biological daughter (who spends significantly less time with them, but does spend time with them when I’m. not present), I’m beginning to wonder if these boundaries are being respected, and have felt increasingly uncomfortable leaving the kids with them. Money is tight right now and I live far from my family, so my stepdaughter’s mom and my partner’s parents and sister are our source of support in terms of help with the kids. How do I approach situations in which I’m looking out for the best interests of a kid who is not legally mine, and to what extent do I hold power in that situation? I feel deeply responsible for her, and, besides that, I love her deeply, in the same way that I love my biological daughter.
—On Safety Patrol
Dear Patrol,
I think the biggest obstacle to your navigating this is your partner, who is focused on the favor they’re doing you (which is not a favor if they are not keeping the children safe). As he says, you don’t have the “right” to control what others do (and if you did have the right, you’d have to go to court to enforce it), but because it is your responsibility to keep your children (biological, step-, or otherwise) safe, he needs to step up and actively support you in this. Free childcare isn’t free if it causes you to worry. And you might remind your partner that there are fates far worse than “not free” if any of these safety-casual members of your village get into an accident while driving with children in the car.
You are both going to have to double down on this rule. It can’t be negotiable. This means that you’ll first have to get your partner up to speed. He cannot undermine you in this. Scare him if you have to: People who are casual about safety are people who believe accidents won’t happen to them and those they love. It’s magical thinking. Both he and the extended family need to be scared straight. And along with doing your best to scare Mom, grandparents, and aunt into taking appropriate safety precautions, make sure to remind them, every single time you leave the kids with them, that they must not drive without the children being properly situated in the car. It doesn’t matter if they think you’re a nag. It doesn’t matter if they think you’re overprotective. Keep pushing.
If this doesn’t work, your next step is to try to forbid their driving the kids anywhere. Let them watch them at home—yours or theirs. Get them to promise they won’t defy you (and let them roll their eyes, complain, get angry, whatever). If that is unenforceable, I’m afraid your only option is to give up the free childcare. Tell them why. And let them know that you’re happy to facilitate their spending as much time as possible with your stepdaughter—but only in your presence, because you can’t count on them to keep her safe. Then let them take you to court.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I grew up in a tight-knit family and my adult siblings and I all live within 45 minutes of each other and our parents. My sister has boys ages 4 and 7, my brother has no kids, and my girls are 10 and 12. We see each other regularly at family dinners and we take a vacation together once a year. The problem is that I can’t stand my nephews! They are poorly behaved, rude, and not fun to be around for extended periods. I took all four kids to a circus and dinner, and her kids were so awful I decided I would never do that again. My husband and I have worked hard at parenting and regularly receive comments from friends, teachers, and others about what great kids we have. I know my expectations are high. My sister gets defensive if you bring up her kids’ behavior, but she always wants to spend more time with us and loves having my kids around to entertain hers. My husband and I own a vacation home but we have never invited my sister and her family to join us there and I’m starting to feel guilty about it. It seems that I’m either bound to feel guilty for not spending more time with them or annoyed that I’m with them. Help!
—Guilty or Else Annoyed
Dear Or Else,
No rule says we have to spend time with people—even family members; even family members who are children (as long as they are not our own children!)—we find it painful to be around. I know it feels like a rule. I get that you feel guilty. But tiptoeing around this is doing nobody any good.
Your sister will get defensive, sure, if you “bring up” her sons’ behavior. And it’s not your job to police her parenting. But if you hate being around her kids, you’re better off being (somewhat) honest with her. Tell her you find them exhausting. Tell her that at their age, it’s too much for you. Tell her you hope that it’ll be easier once they’re a little older. (I assume that all of this is true!) You can do this without blaming her—and without pointing out how much better behaved your own children are, or letting her know that you think you and your husband are better parents than she is. Focus on how being with the kids makes you feel.
She’ll still be defensive (who wouldn’t be?). She’ll be hurt and she may be angry. But that’s not the end of the world. Sometimes I think that most family and relationship problems would be solved by the simple application of two principles: telling people honestly how we feel, and accepting the fact that sometimes people will be angry with us when we do.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My daughter will be turning 5 this summer. Unfortunately, last month, my father-in-law died. For the past two years, he had been battling one form of cancer or another, so the death of her grandfather was not sudden or unexpected (although we all thought we had more time). He was in hospice for a few weeks and she got to spend an hour or so every couple of days with him up until the point where we felt it was no longer beneficial to either of them. I had planned to explain death to her after it happened, but those little ears hear everything, and about a week before he died, she asked me if he was going to “pass away” because she heard someone use that term. I used your past advice and told her that yes, he was going to die soon, that death happens to all living creatures when our bodies stop working, and that it is permanent. I have answered all subsequent questions as simply but as truthfully as possible (no, we cannot recharge ourselves like a battery [note to self: Stop saying your phone is dead when it runs out of battery], yes, it’s forever, etc.). She has told me that she is sad and that she wishes he was still alive, but for the most part, her reaction seems to be “normal” for her age. However, there is one behavioral change about which I am starting to have some concern: Her clinginess has increased exponentially.
She has always been an affectionate and cuddly kid, but ever since her grandfather was moved to hospice, she has been desperate to get as physically close to me (or her dad) as possible. I promise you that when we are cuddling, she is as close to me as she can be without me being pregnant with her again. But it is almost as if it isn’t enough for her. She begs me to cuddle WHILE we are already cuddling. She rubs her face on my face like a cat (we don’t have a cat). She has knocked me over while trying to hug/cuddle me. There have even been a few occasions when she has yelled at us to cuddle her this instant! I have no issue cuddling her as much as she needs/wants, but I don’t want to ignore it if it’s something that needs to be addressed differently.
It has seemed pretty obvious to me that her behavior is related to her grandfather’s death, but the other night I gently asked her why she has been wanting to cuddle so much lately. She had to think about it for a minute, and then she told me it was because she felt like she was “in trouble” with us more than usual. Her father and I are “gentle parents” who admittedly have been a little less patient than normal (we don’t yell, but she has always been VERY sensitive). Overall, I think our collective heightened emotional state has led to all three of us not being our best selves. But this clinginess has also coincided with her sometimes not wanting to go to school because she’s worried that I won’t pick her up, or only wanting to be with us (not her grandparents, auntie, cousins, etc., all of whom she absolutely adores). Has her grandfather’s death unlocked a fear that I (or her dad) will die, and she just isn’t able to express that, so she needs physical closeness to us? Should I suggest to her that this might be the reason she wants us (and only us) to cuddle her so much? Or should I just enjoy the cuddles and continue to reassure her? More importantly, is this new behavior normal and will it eventually subside? What should I do?
—Cuddle Bugs
Dear Cuddle Bugs,
Look, you know me. I am always in favor of getting professional help to assess if something is going on that needs intervention. Arranging for a session with a good therapist who has the tools to evaluate your 5-year-old (I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again: Find someone who is trained in play therapy) can’t hurt and might help. And multiple sessions in which she has the chance to work out her feelings might help a lot.
I don’t think asking her why she needs the cuddles is going to get you anywhere. I don’t think she knows. It’s possible she settled on the “feeling like she’s in trouble” explanation because it made sense to her, or she thought it might make sense to you. What she knows is that she feels anxious, but she doesn’t know what anxiety is, what causes it, or how to deal with it. The reason play therapy is so effective is that it gives young children a chance to express what they’re feeling through a medium that’s familiar and comfortable: Play is their natural language. With a therapist on hand to interpret their play, and interact with them in ways that allow and encourage them to work through the difficult emotions they’re experiencing, much can be accomplished.
But you can do a lot at home, too. Instead of asking her why she needs to cuddle, perhaps try asking her how she feels at a given moment. Scared? Worried? Sad? If she’s scared, you might ask her what she feels scared of right then. If she’s worried, ask her what’s worrying her. I wouldn’t make suggestions to her about what might be going on, though. While it would not surprise me to learn that her grandfather’s death has awakened in her the jolting recognition that you and her dad will someday die, too—or even that she will—I would give her the opening to share this fear with you, but I certainly wouldn’t offer it up as a possibility. If she brings it up herself (“Are you going to die too? When?”), it’s OK to tell her that this likely won’t happen for a long, long time, until she’s all grown up, that she has nothing to worry about right now. Five is a hard age to take in the death of someone you love. I think you’re doing everything right, including continuing to cuddle her whenever she wants, and most likely this phase will pass. But it’s never a bad idea to get a true expert’s opinion and support.
Dear Care and Feeding,
We have two kids. Our younger son is 9, and he has avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID). He’s been seeing a pediatric therapy and nutrition team for years and is doing better than they projected. But I am a terrible mom because I am 100 percent over it. If he doesn’t eat, I get angry. If something that was a “safe” food suddenly gets rejected, I get angry. If he has to go to the ER again, I’m angry. I know that this isn’t something he chose, but I have zero patience at this point. I find myself having intrusive thoughts. I dream at night about running away, getting divorced, getting a do-over. I often wake up crying when I realize it was a dream. I feel like I dig deep as much as I can and take breaths and all that but I’m not able to be patient or kind right now, and I’m just not a good parent. I can’t manage the stress—I’ve lost a lot of weight and I’m having health issues. The last time we went to the ER, the nurse thought they were admitting me, not him. Sometimes I’m not sure I even love my child, which is the worst thing I can imagine in a mom.
My husband and I make money 50/50. But I do much more of the doctors’ appointments and planning and day-to-day parenting. Every time I ask him to take on more parenting, he’s willing and able to do it; if I set a task, no reminders needed—but only for our older son. And that’s not where I need help. I can’t afford therapy for myself plus our son, so that’s off the table. But I really really want my husband to take on mealtime duty and 50 percent of the medical appointments, and he just won’t. I don’t know what to do. I know this is hurting my kid, and maybe both kids, but I feel so trapped. How do I protect my son from myself, and get better?
—Exhausted Mom
Dear Exhausted,
Oh, I so feel for you! This is hard.
Listen. Therapy for you cannot be off the table. Therapy is not a luxury, not for you, not right now. If you don’t get help, nothing about this situation is going to get better.
I know this is not the advice you wanted. I know what you think you want is guidance on how to make your husband do more. Or maybe even reassurance that if you end your marriage—the way you do in your dreams—your rage will subside and you and your kids will be better off. (And maybe you would—who knows?)
But if you want to stay in this marriage, the two of you will need help as a couple, too. I don’t know if he can or will take on what you need him to take on. I don’t know if he literally “refuses” (you ask and he says no?) or “just” avoids doing what you ask him to do when it comes to your younger child. Have you told him how desperate you feel? Are the two of you communicating at all (beyond surface-level, superficial talk about tasks and schedules)? Can you see a way to open up a channel of communication about the real stuff? A marriage counselor might help a lot.
But the emergency, as I see it, is yours. Make budget cuts elsewhere—make budget cuts everywhere—in order to afford getting professional help. And I mean right away. I promise you that this will be well worth giving up all manner of non-essentials in your life. Your health, mental and otherwise, is essential. And not just for you. It’s as crucial for your children as a roof over their heads, as putting food on the table, as medical care for your 9-year-old. Please. Take care of yourself. I think your life depends on it.
—Michelle
More Advice From Slate
I’m the new mother of a baby girl who is almost a month old now. I’ve read/heard so many things about how everything would change once my baby was born—how I would feel an overwhelming love for her, my heart would grow, I would only be able to focus on her and would forget everything else, etc.—but I haven’t experienced that.
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